embarrassin' kim garrison stikes again (and other stories).

i have a special talent. ok, perhaps many special talents. but one in particular is falling down. usually flat on my face. and for no apparent reason. (let's just say parked bicycles and i are not friends.) i've been limping along since a 1am subway encounter. you see it was just me and 3 clowns (clown #2, shorty and val kilmer). one small leap onto the j train. a lil bit of water. and well. now i have a knee cap the size of florida and arm bruises as parting gifts from subway poles. oh dear. ok. let's get on with the story.

sunday funday. i think yesterday we were on round 9? sister time. sibling time. new friend time. brunch and bar food and football. did i mention tequila? i blame christian. dang allergies. our standard sunday affair was in full swing. navani and dakin made it out. swooning. we all pretended to know something about football but after obviously failing (i think we shouted out team names for baseball instead of football?!)...we manifested some cards for our favorite round of 3-13. now, let me just get right to the point. past the beers and the shots and the food and the fun. let me tell you why i'm really here right now writing to you. because i'm pretty sure this would only happen to me. and i'm pretty sure i had about 4 witnesses. at least. so don't go telling me i'm exaggerating. or making shite up. or just plain crazy. or even creepy. cause outta nowhere. this really happened. are you ready?

a 5 year old was flirting with me.

now don't laugh. and don't you dare think i started this. i thought for sure i was hallucinating. so i asked sol to spy out of the corner of his eye. and dakin to watch in the mirror on the wall. there was some definite eyebrow raising. you know the kind i'm talking about. the wow-wa-wee-wa come hither move they do in the movies - kinda as a joke. i was sure i imagined it. until it happened again. and then he giggled. and then he leaned over to his father and spoke to him and pointed at me and it appeared he was getting some coaching. and then around the corner of the other barstool what appeared to be his older (12 year old?) brother was peaking at me. what the? ok. move on. that was funny i coulda laughed it off and ignored...if it had stopped there. as sol and i performed our usual shenanigans of laughing too loud and being obnoxious, this kid actually glared at sol! and ROLLED HIS EYES!!!!? convinced i too had imagined that i playfully pretended to slap sol to see what he would do......ummm. i'm not sure how to even say this. but. he gave me a thumbs up!? yes. people. this is true. this really happened. by this point everyone is trying to spy and see what he'll do next. scowling. eyebrow winking. dad coaching. thumbs up coercing. what next? this kid is gonna be quite the womanizer. you've been warned. and i really don't want to talk about how he threw himself up against the glass window as he was about to leave the bar. yes i said bar. and yes i swear to jebus he was 5. and he was with his parents. i'm scared. and now i'm embarrassed. next.

we left. we split up. i ended up with the boys. not THAT boy. MY boys. quelle suprise. by this point in time christian is about done for. but then he goes and orders tequila sunrises?! what the? oh and thanks dakin for chaperoning me in the bathroom. i was definitely afraid to go. let alone touch anything at the boiler room. hmmmmmmmmm. that was short lived. we couldn't convince christian to go hooka with us. lay. doc holiday's we love you. and meridith even more. so there we went. i am always amazed at how i still manage to find new things at this bar. it's like a treasure hunt for freaky people. for instance. exhibit a: there is a stuffed deer head mounted on the wall. seeing as how i have never sat anywhere but the bar i never noticed it before. i'm glad we were able to convince dakin NOT to make out with it. close. very close. thank god for my camera. there was dancing. and garth brooks loving. and lots of grabbing (i won't say what) and at some point i was in a falling barchair fighting off kisses and then saved midflight from crashing to the ground AGAIN. this time it was not my fault. i don't think. i dunno anymore. i plead the 5. or erroneous. or contempt. or preposterous.

i really need to learn some new legal terms. ok. that's all for now.

ps. clown camp nyc was in effect over the weekend. nashville came. saw. and conquered. pics soon.

tonight? nkotb. with sissy. watch out.

xoxokg.

only in nyc can you have this much fun! [and this is what it is]

chi-town invasion?
family reunion?
spider monkey al quieda ninja clown parades?

check. all of the above.

cast of characters:
sol
christian
mili
greg
tommie sunshine
daddy devine
karem
locke
tanya
chris
noel
grampa (alex)


5 nights. wed-sun. and this is how it goes.
extra curricular activities:

night 1: sushi with mili and greg. dj and dancing at the annex.

night 2: best thai food in nyc at pukk. wine and the ericksons at rockwood with grampa clown. meet christian and sol at docs for family reunion time. wander to 'pick up mili' at hookah bar on 3rd where locke is playing. end up falling into the hookah vortex, drinking beer, sol and i edward cullen-ing ourselves with watermelon double apple sweetness all night! being introduced as a famous singer. dancing skulls. fire breathing. managing to leave and head back to doc holidays. deciding we love hookah bars - who knew? home.

night 3: more sushi. delirious. ditching goldfrapp. rockwood again with mouth 'sneezing' wine. excellent singer songwriter. meander back to hookah bar with loads of wine. migrate to bowery electric to find daddy devine and greg. largest clown parade ever head to annex for a bottle and asking the very obvious question - why are we still out? cab home for edward cullen time.

night 4: ummmmm oh dear. roll outta bed. fling into east village for brunch at the heavenly paprika. business meeting with grampa clown (alex), christian and sol. come up with pretty much the best idea EVER that is going to catapult soooooooo much...just you wait and see. head to dumbo to retrieve concert tickets. take my red skirt and black vested almost x-rated self to meet sol and see in flight radio at irving plaza. rah-rah. bolt. pick up christian. subway to brooklyn. get lost and wander while boys joke that we are going to get shot and upset me by reminding me i live in brooklyn. find the bar. find tanya. eat tasteless burgers. enjoy blueberry beer. entertain ourselves with noel. chris shows up. ummmmmmmmm. [insert censored thoughts here]. ditch the party. cab to iggys. salvation in manhattan. madness. uh oh noel is giving me whiskey. oh dear christian is dripping his drink onto my leg and licking it off. oh my. chris goes home. i think we have a dance party. i definitely am challenged by a stranger and yes i pick him up. noel and i decide we need to learn swing dancing. [insert censored activity here]. ditch iggys. head to kellys. sad clowns to see mean mean mean man kick kid down stairs. almost get in a fight. decide chances aren't good. move on. find out how i was found out as a singer at hookah bar on night 2. the randomness of seeing karem and posse there was just tooooooo much. the right conversation. and finally. last but not least. after embarrassing myself in the corner store with inappropriate conversation as well as lime chips and cheese dip...it happened. the fucking NINJA stole our cab. 'um did you just call me a ninja!?' 6am bedtime.

night 5: yes there's more. 11am wake up. unheard of delirium sets in. must have benedict and coffee. meet boys on ave c. walk way too much in the way too freakin hot sun. after looking at at least 10 restaurants and even going so far as sitting down in one and then getting up and leaving we end up a block from 'home' and have pretty much the best brunch ever with the most fabulous french people YES. now it's time for games. oh and please do not forget the freakin sippy cups. why are people looking at us so strangely? why aren't they laughing more? what is so wrong with drinking out of santas brains. free pizza. and 3-13 games. migrate. i love gay bars ps. why? free pizza, HAPPY HOUR and FREE WII. wii bowling rules at life and makes me want to sneeze. sol is out of control because he wins at EVERYTHING and rules at life so much i almost want to hate him. supplies from whole foods and a trip to a non blog appropriate store that definitely took our friendship to a new level [insert x-rated innuendos here]. it's finally time. doc holiday's. meridith we missed you. more sippy cup action. more 3-13 action. i should go home. do i? oh heck no. garth brooks. i do believe i saw christian picking up johnny's sister and throwing her onto the pool table. and then there was pole dancing. i for sure have bruising on my arms from that christian. ps. i'm sure your knees are bruised too? we lost santa to the wasteland that is the floor behind the bar. sad clown. more dancing. more laughing. it's 2am. i'm in a cab. goodnight.

i love you guys.

things that make me so unbelievably happy...it should...

...really it should just be illegal:

bacon, egg and cheese on a roll - um hi heaven

ABN - adult beverage night

coming home at 3am and causing a scene

reunion time with christian and alex and meridith and doc holiday's WOOOT [I have a photo of Christian in the market at like 230am and it’s kinda priceless coming soon!]

head automatica - for saving my life today. after 3 hours of sleep the past 2 nights i thought it quite possible i just might involuntarily teleport outta my body this morning on the subway. yes that means i was feeling pretty delerious. solution? blast head automatic on my ipod and unabashedly DANCE on the subway (yes in public). not only am i now awake but i'm giggling still and singing lines from 'laghing at you' 'at the speed of a yellow bullet' and 'lying through your teeth'

oh joy
oh me
oh my

oh yeah! and speaking of reunions. some random i met like um eight months ago resurfaced outta nowhere last night. love it.

and my phone is bursting now with all the new friends that are in it.


and
and
and

michael if you're reading this you better get yer skinny ass up to nyc next weekend before we send a squadron of angry mobsters to pick you up and deliver you to us.

shannon's here in 3 days ummm kinda the best thing EVER

jess will be here too ummm herro

and oh yeah don't forget kill hannah.
dance party anyone?

the end.


ps
if you need to
a) wake up
b) laugh and smile and feel happy to be alive
c) i'm tired, just watch this:

all in the family.

we are pretty much a walking tv show. i'm not sure how we do it or how we find each other but pairs of siblings pretty much rule. having shots of tequila before grocery shopping rules too. playing pool and dancing to garth brooks? yep more ruling. i will let pictures show you the story that was sunday december 16th in new york city. yes yes yes texas has been forgiven and everyone is all in love again. i credit christian's homecoming for this.

the rest of the weekend deserves it's own blog and will be forthcoming [um dancing at posh, yes it's a gay bar and yes i still got hit on, scott's cowboy shot and other insane antics, moving to brooklyn and more...coming soon].

we discovered that grocery shopping is more fun with friends [the shot of tequila helped too i'm suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure]:









cutest older siblings EVER? yep. right here. christian and shannon. they win.




and we're just cute.






sometimes i try to be a hater but it just never works. i love michael. mwahaha. :) mostly cause he puts up with me not being able to play pool at all and sings gb with me and drinks beer almost as fast as me and pretty much laughs at or at least puts up with me even when i am absofuckinglutely annoying and spastic. exhibit a:






there are many reasons to love just a little bit of everything when you are at doc holiday's. the pretty people, my favorite person ever [meridith]. the jukebox. the pool table. the pbr. buck hunter. on and on and on i go. here's just a random sampling:

















that's all for now folks.
lovers you. big surprises coming up. stay tuned.
xoxokg.

why new york is the most insane city ever

i am going to do my best to remember it all. i should have taken more photo's. for now. let's begin.
[i am still laughing. and i'm pretty convinced i am some kinda zombie as i only slept about 2.5 hours and i am awake and actually productive? yeah...]

friday night.
jonezetta!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so excited your show was sold out at the knitting factory. so glad we got to sneak in. you made girl night so much fun.

doc holiday's?
well i fail and am no longer in charge of girl night because of you.
thanks.

saturday night. oh my my my. let's just say...i revisited and rekindled my love for iggy's. danny and i had welcome to nyc time. pirate mike was working. and stretch showed up. who knew?

then i headed over to julep. ummmmm. all i know is that if you look closely at these next two photo's you might get an inkling as to what was really going on.





nice. uhmmm. shirts. dan!

if i had enough photos we could go through the whole progression. it was like fashion week all in one night. ps. this shirt does not belong to him. i will give you one clue as to who really owns it. loooooook clooooosely.





and yes it's true he likes to go into the bathroom and put on women's clothes [i witnessed this with my own eyeballs!] and yes i still love this kid [ssshhhhh it's a secret.]



and purely for my own enjoyment and because she does not remember putting on the shirt of her friend/boss's boyfriend i am posting this [sorry mer but i have to!]



highlights of the night include: jeffe. you were just freakin hilarious!!!!!!!!!! and dan. i like philosophizing about music/living and my dating life [or wonderful lack thereof] in the middle of a crazy dive bar with bad hip hop on, your friends cross dressing and mer taking more shots than she was allowed. we are all one big happy family again and that makes me happy!!! :)

sunday.
oh sunday.
sunday
sunday
saunday funday
how i love you always

now i must admit i miss shannon and kimberly terribly [duran duran and opening night at cirque du soleil that's all i'm going to say!] but oh man...last night!? doc holiday's?!

i know this bar is one of the most silly places ever and you are bound to see all kindsa crazy gypsy-ness but really? all of that really happened last night?

i mean...one guy thought it was open mic night. he pretty much set up his electric guitar and played [or tried to play] pink flyod all night. huh? cut it out man. the country music is depressing enough. you were not helping.

ok. stunts at the bar. danny was trying to rocket launch himself.



pbr and text messaging pretty much always rules the night.



now. i'm really going to try to preface these next pictures with some witty banter and explanation. but basically. there were some obscenely drunk people at this bar [big surprise i know]. but this night was special. well...HE was special. if i must summarize the night in one mere photo well this is it. this is the big winner. here you go. are you ready for this? really? ready? brace yourself:



his name is joe and yes he is attempting some strange acrobatic where he lifts his foot onto the bar while staring at us and i think talking in some barely intelligible gibberish.
it got even better when too lovely ladies came in and one decided that she would claim him as her own for the evening. it was definitely inappropriate.
let's just have a moment of silence now:





about this time in the night i check out. i head uptown. but ummmmm. i got locked out. so after wandering around 90th street listening to stg blaring in my ipod and almost crying cause i had to pee so bad. yep. i hoped back on the subway and returned to the scene. danny had returned as well. and we basically had to rock paper scissor over meridith. being homeless i won. almost had a mini meltdown. then continue with the evening. danny rules. and not just because he was my bathroom escort. [i will definitely live if i never see the inside of the men's bathroom at doc's again thank you very kindly].

in case you were wondering. we rule.



in case you thought that was all oh you're wrong.
the best part of the night was trying to decipher the words of the man next to me who had just sliced his own tongue. yes. apparently the day before he decided he wanted to split his tongue. apparently i have missed out on this new trend. i am just not cool anymore it's really sad. in any case. wow. good luck with that man. sorry you can't taste anything or talk without a lisp anymore. oh and thanks for the offer but ummm no thanks.

anyone wonder why i am single in nyc...?

why i have the best life ever.

seriously. life fucking rules. i can laugh harder than i ever have in a LONG time and cry all in the same day and it still rules. i am surrounded by the most beautiful supportive fabulous friends a girl could ever ask for. i am going to do my best to summarize this weekend. brace yourself.

friday night was team kim break-out. meridith and danny came to my rescue. we packed up everything i own in about 20 minutes, convincing the apartment building tenents that we were ransacking the apartment i'm sure. totally funny to throw your own stuff into bags like a burglar. turns out i'm pretty smart cause i was living with a borderline psychopath and just found out phew. go me. go life. woot woot.

being picked up in a black escalade and escorted uptown RULES. showing up and expecting to carry all the goods up three flights cause the elevator's broken... yeah....well....the nice men servicing the building at that hour [seriously who works at 7pm on a friday?], well they moved all my stuff for me. and i got to ride in a pitch black elevator with a man i didn't know and no door watching the red paint soaked walls that looked like blood. pretty much a scene out of a scary movie except it's really my life and it's actually quite funny instead.

the great escape!





i love these men:




dawn rules. bars on the upper east side with smokin hot bartenders rule too. pizza and beer and pj harvey rule. there's a lot of ruling going on. you better get into it.

saturday shannon and kimberly arrive from los angeles. we go shopping. which included gucci and champagne for breakfast. the girls go to duran duran and i attempted to hibernate. this was until i received an s.o.s from downtown. dude. let's just put this out there. if you are mean or dare i say even an asshole to my best friend...please do not think you can still be my friend. please?! ok thanks. shannon and kimberly show up. they are DRUNK. meridith is often my reason for living and saturday was no exception. i like to take her boyfriend and show him off to strangers and feel quite awkward but laugh about it all the same. apparently i also like to hang out with boys from texas that i shouldn't. more on that later. i must say it was really nice to be the least drunk in the group. i didn't even embarrass myself! go team!




danny i'm posting this because your face says it ALL!!





sunday. aweeeeeeeeee sunday.
sunday funday.
how i love thee.

i don't think luke had any idea what he was in for but he took a chance and met up with us. blind tiger. you are the reason i go to the west village. i love you. and your grilled cheese and tomato soup and your bloody beer. and your plentiful taps. universe i love you for bringing heidi to the bar. because it's pretty amazing to have someone i know from los angeles who i haven't seen or talked to much in 6 months just show up at the bar i'm at. cause to have 8 million people in one city but randomly run into one you know...well it's just pretty awesome.

oh yeah dawn rules:



and luke really likes kimberly's iphone:



thank you my new indian man friend who sells me tara incense and makes it tolerable for us to hang out in a bar that smells like dead rat. it's a true testament to how much we all love meridith that we were able to stomach that. it probably has something to do with chocolate cakes shots. i'm just saying.

kinda love her cause she's a sheriff:



danny when you dived under the pool table and came out the other side i thought for sure i would die from laughing. and thanks for trying to dance with me. we are obviously two girls. that didn't work so well. but it was fun trying.



by this point in the night we have divided into team kim and 'the rest of the bar'.

team kim:


there was really no contest. we win. having 10 of your best friends all in a bar on the same night listening to garth brooks and johnny cash RULES. i mean RULES. life rules. friends rule. everything rules. dawn and jeff it was so good to see both of you. luke is now officially in our family and one of my new favorite people. every time you make that deniro face i just bust out laughing. and your red cheeks say it all.






danny. day 3 in nyc and you fit right in. shannon. oh the shannon show. i love my sister. kimberly. i'll say it again. i am only pretty because of you ;) thank you for my haircut. and for dancing with me in your underwear. and for basically being one of the coolest people i know. gerry. oh gerry! you are one of my favorite drinking buddies. you rule at life. texas? i think you know what we think of you. you're out. i like rocks.

the end.

and now......what i do best!

today, while enjoying my food and beverage from the deli next door i will attempt to do what i do best. explain in grandiose detail the excitement that is my life. and i will do this without ever giving away the secret truths that are really at the heart of me. i've got mad skills.

doc holiday's. once again you have provided ample entertainment and a fertile playground for all things new york. my new partners in crime, narnia and golf digest [names changed to protect their identity], have been converted to lovers of DH as well. meridith i love you. what a beautiful way to end a crazed maniacal day... dwayne. i think you saved my heart just a little bit last night. it was quite a day. one in which every great saga of my life was coming to a head. meetings were had. a letter was written and appointments were made. the letter wasn't sent. you convinced me to wait. maybe it's not worth it. maybe it doesn't matter. all i know is that you understand the pain that comes with this. and you let me know it was okay to do nothing. maybe that was just the alcohol talking. but between the advice and the Foreigner tour schedule from 1978 that you handed to me...i was a pretty happy
kim-chee last night.

i fail for not having my camera. i also realize i'm about 2 months behind on the paparazzi page [sorry kids]. the update will come soon.

mysterious bruises really are the defining factor of a great night out. [thanks for pointing this out navani.]

and now for my encore i will simply stop writing this blog by stating the obvious and well known fact that coffee is a miracle drug that i love to consume in large quantities and will continue to do so for the rest of my life. amen.

wow. that was a night! (julep. doc's. and my new favorite gay)

i'm not sure how to describe last night. so i'll just get to the specifics.

first off. if you haven't eaten at jeollado (sushi on 4th between 1st and 2nd) you are missing out on one of the best things in nyc. amazingly fresh produce. gorgeous sushi. and sake for $1. yep. a buck.

julep. oh how i love thee. not only for your amazingly cheap (dare i say free??) beer. but the basement (guero) is pretty much my 2nd (or is it 3rd or 4th...?) home. playing a show in the dark with a red light on me was pretty awesome. and despite the fact that i had a hoarse voice because i've been out till 4am and up at 8 every morning for the last 9 days you still loved me. liza. genevieve. jeff. wow. you rule.

gerry. you made me something delicious and even included a plastic spoon. i was confused at first about the bag with soy sauce in it. but then i realized you are a far better drunk than me and were merely providing the utensils for the gorgeous yumminess that you created. i know it wasn't apple pie. but i liked calling it that. and i liked eating it even better. having homebaked goods in a bag with my name on it handed to me when i walk into a bar is awesome. i really am homeless....but well provided for...woot!

doc's...meridith. that's pretty much all i have to say. and daniel thanks for coming out. and noel it was good to see you. and most importantly, christian! despite the fact that i was wearing an impossibly short black dress with hot pink underwear and you decided to knock me and my barstool over...you are still my (new) favorite gay. see, usually i am perfectly capable of incurring enough mysterious bruises onto my person in the course of a night. but you my dear...wow. there's nothing like tumbling from that height. in that dress. onto the floor. good thing my ninja skills kicked in and i was able to recoup before anyone knew what happened. it sure was confusing. and you are still my (new) favorite gay. and your brother's hot. awesome.

dawn. you rule. that's pretty much the verdict. popcorn. sex. and the city. we are dangerous alone but trouble together. i love you.

ok kids. that's all for now. stay tuned for pics and more stories. mili's coming this weekend. i hope i don't die.

xokg.

eyes towards ya

eyes towards ya accordingly. or something like that. it was a new cheers i learned from noel last night. apparently when you sit at doc holiday's and drink, beer magically shows up in front of you even when you don't order it. and don't you DARE look away from the bar because when you look back there will be a shot there. and be warned of girls with camera's (ME) cause i'll take my picture with you and maybe even kiss you or bite your face. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. thoth. ireland. and music. that's reason enough for me.