color of lust

i am listening. to the sound
of thought
that hits the truth of feeling
that frees the fear that’s fleeting.
i witness disregard
in your eyes
i lift my voice to the heat in your limbs
i lay between the fire
of regret
and fervor
of need and disinterest
of life
and of love
and the color of lust.

believe it.

when you wrap faith in fear. wordless. explosion. endless fascination. with regret. with mourning. with the joy that only expression can bring. in knowing. all of these things. are within our grasp. are not sewn onto our skin. but bathing us. in delight. in experience. in the present moment and past phases of perspective. i am owning all of this. i am pretending. no more.

prayer.

prayers. weighted fingers. display warmth. energetic opposition. sitting within. voices. raised in unwilling support. where your fears meet my face and the wait is over. there is love in all of this. there is no more despair. there is no more time to waste. because. after all. after all this. we are still. a moment. not past. not gone.

death is ready

i am soft skin exposing breath. i am soft hair resembling breath. i am grasping. at meaning. shooting my mouth in your direction. aching thought. regret a passing line. distance ever present. truth ready red blinking light. desire not in dire need of release but most certainly needing faith. for your mouth. a close second. in this race. has discovered the meaning. of water waiting steady. of death that brings me all that is ready.

dreams.

dreams that decide how to stretch.
bare bones and open palms.
reaching for abundance.
curse the distant waves that
can only come closer
waiting for the lesser known
fate of a face to release
to return
to find solace
and carry it
bright on his back
and place it
warily
at my feet.

what you witness.

what you witness. is beauty and truth. feeling their way. through archaic boundaries. through sweat and tears…bloodstains. giving through grieving. dancing in the sorrow of the self. to find rebirth. wait with regret no more. do not forestall growth for reminiscence. there is a place and time for all of this. and here. right now. in heaven. where we wait. i give and give again. in order to save myself. in order that we may find. what’s forgotten is already forgiven.

sacred geometry.

you are shades of green,
misinterpreted.
ancient grass of words
which speak rhythms to me.
my heart, unbinding lives
of languid time.
lost
you are loosening
my lucid lines of living
with your hands
inching in
without words.
stitching all the places
unworthy of regret,
into phrased phases.

misinterpret
my understanding
of what this is…

simple
sacred geometry

maybe.

maybe i have leapt into the abyss. seeking an unknown enemy. righting myself in the face of what has been lost. of what i have given up to be here. maybe i am no longer without shame. without guilt. favored by god no more. seeking an empty mirror in an unknown land in a space so far from where it is i began. maybe. just maybe. he will still find me. walking without pretense. breathing without want. needing without answers. feeling without fight. maybe.

you.

these small spaces. where love gets in. the inevitable crack. the release of need and the approach of all that is. no matter what skin you may see. no matter what skin you may eat. the face of my will in this mirror. the singe of such need. still ever apparent. i will always. hold. the trust of my soul. in your eyes. the need of such beauty to be released. and only you would know. and only you could see. so silent. in this. space. i release. i wait. i function. with a balanced act. of intuition. lasting lust. beauty. truth. and you. always. coming back. to you.

a passing death.

i may never understand the secrets of the heart. when spoken mouth to ear. never covet another when the reason are obvious and now quite clear. that nothing has survived. that no one can contain...what reasons still exist. for this. lasting pain. for this. loving surge of anonymity. regret. disbelief. that love. through ALL of this. can still exist.

finally...

clarity...in the space between...finds silence, blinding. it aches where no one sees. where cause and effect dance at last and again place want inside fingers that have lusted so long for this freedom. if you witness my last breath would you know the secrets...longing... directing my movement all these years? would you see the actions of my heart on display in overarching color, worlds of words walking your way? could it ever be any more simple than this? right now? in this present moment? to forgive...and forge ahead with everything i have to give...to you and us in this brilliance in this recognizant world in this glorious birth of standing alone on my own two feet. such simplicity. such sanity. such clarity. finally.

truth.

truth becomes spacious. words exit silence and enter dream. anticipating reality. forcing reconciliation in the heart and mind. matter over meter. lust dissolving desire and retiring into warmth. into arms that reach across oceans. into space that is filled with thought and reaction to this emotion. that only separates us...for a moment.

patience. inexplicable. returning you. to me.

xokg.

look back.

sounds of constellations. hearts. ache. neglect. forgiveness. a pattern not yet met. in what circumstance can we move ahead? in what reaction do we release the stars and feed upon the earth again? tell me. in what language you are speaking. in what phrases are you manipulating to make me understand? there are no more reasons. there cannot be any more answers. you have given me your hand and in your long retreat given me every thing i need to know. that you never look back. you are never looking back.

what burrows in...

i might have given every memory to him. left laughter at the gate of our union. lost a patch of innocent skin in hopes of being forgiven. for all that i am. for all that i wanted to do with him. and now. this space. of silence that holds onto sin. of grain that burrows in. and covers every inch, where he…where he always…used to be.

regret.

regret. as it pauses. long hard look at my skin. what does it see within? what witness does it bring? i would like to cleanse myself. to absolve my worth and let love live. but i’m not sure. not quite sure yet how this works. how the weight of the world sifts between us and calms such sin. please. let there be sun on the other side. let there be movement. and restraint. heaven. as it come clean. let us be. free.

loss.

loss: the way breath can catch. absurd notions. erasing fine lines of pleasure. the way in which i move in opposition to thought. in dire regret. in falsities of surety. all that i have felt...in strict confidence, in necessity, in aggregated obscenity. i catch myself again and again. falling into this. shallow pool of lust. regret. forgiveness only just beginning. the acute pain of loss. slowly lifting. but remaining, none the less apparent. your skin. still shining...strong memory.

space.

i have taken the time to place myself. consistently out of view. decidedly distant. i have begun the steps that will take me out of range. that will enable me to feel again. every instance. each sentance. all of the movement. inside this head.

i am able. to hold a space. ever expansive. mouth agape at the sound that it makes. holding you. always, in view.

stars.

i can’t see. the color of skin. blinding me. forgotten the ways of sound and your face. forgotten the taste of love on my limbs. alive this weight of the world. standing so near to me. the fortunate light bursting through. the sky unable to hold me. the stars aching with their pull. their lasso. their final attempt to stand down and let loose…my final disgrace.

clean.

fill my mouth with stars
animosity overridden
with guilty pleasure
the space between your eyes
haunting...
the width of your fingers
etched inside me
the length of your face
still near.

in all these memories
a truce
in knowing
the state of emergency
has long since healed
the wait of such mystery
long ago fulfilled.

i'm
moving
in
synch
with
the
weight
of
water
stilling
my
skin.

sometimes.

sometimes. there are small animosities. fears that have allowed sullen claws to digress. tears that have hastened their approach, looking beyond thought, passing over memory and simply waiting for release.
when your breath quickens and your palms sweat you are withdrawing into a place where i will not be able to face you. and in this secret world where every moment is encased in silence i can see, the angry fate of such love as this. the only fate worthy of sound and space.

skin.

please don't tear the skin. there is not much left. and there are tiny time bombs, asking why, and you are scuttling off without reply. resounding answers...that nothing can erase. a place where lust was dry and caused such empty space to come alive. there are retreats, small cavities i can hide inside, where you find me. breathing. barely alive. there are treatises. waving red flags. on approach...heaving. then, just gone. and often, without so much, as a sullen goodbye.

death [rebirth] and longing.

i cannot hide anymore. death traps tapping my window. asking for audience. laughing in wonder at the jump my heart takes to be near you.
witness a slow rebirth. the momentum of memories carrying me towards you. burrowing deeply into the earth. no longer waiting. no longer longing. just standing still in such movement. standing amid the chaos. demanding order and contracting with god and demons. angels and omens. all so that i may save myself. from the destruction. that's sure to come. when i say i love you. again. and again. and again.

grieving.

there are no phases of regret
merely repression
of emotion
singeing my hair
in anticipation of approach.
what avalanche can withstand such love?
when you have witness my demise
and my pursuit of distance.
when you have stung the only memory
that would keep me from you.
i can only sing a song in silence.
grieving for you
with words you'll never know.

misdemeanor

deciding. if it’s time. if there’s enough space between. if there are open ended answers to what this is. what becomes one hundred? what skin touches down? what wills collide to bring this back to life?

i have overheard enough in this life. i cannot claim ignorance. i cannot fathom release such as this again. your skin is too fair. your touch too heavy. your eyes too brilliant to let go again.

i set him free. i release myself into ether. i suck the airs of absence hiding between our palms. i can sense every movement. every sigh. every thought that comes within 10 feet of me. and you are all about it. your skin. your face. your fingers. tracing the lines of want and desire ever so slightly, lingering, drowning. sacrificing not a thing. no more. no longer. absence cannot control me.

i need rilke. i need bukowski. i need baudelaire. and nin. and miller. i need a song. a stance. a word action-deed-misdemeanor. i need you. i need you again.

perfection [waiting for us]

perfection. as it reels me in.
sounds sickly and remotely insecure.
i’m not sure about petty thoughts
or angry laments
but i’m fairly certain
your skin
with its faulty deeds
and master inception
is hurried
and longing
looking for me in sidewalk cracks
above gravestones
and under tree branches.
and now

there are wide expanses
languid movement
and insipid limbs
lusting after us
waiting
for new blood
waiting
for us

xoxo

begin. believe. receive.

adjustment comes again. bare limbs. silent tongue. relaxing into sound.

the space i fill is indirectly linked with yours. the time i kill is a gold mine. watching. waiting. receiving. i wash water from my skin. i wade into this. reliving pain. drowning in my own inanities. she cannot save me. and she will not let me go.

i hold skin. dreaming. lucid. unaware of the power my hair holds. unaware of the waves that come. crashing into you. when you stand near to me. or even when. you are laughing. across the room.

i must not forget. i must not name names. i must always. in every case.

begin. believe. receive.

forgiven. and free.

i am tempted to disguise...my self. my fate. my faith in this.
when you approach me with eyes down, hair weighed with thought, skin to touch...i cannot breath. but i want to believe. in obscenity. in this truth. in the knowing of what i feel when you are not even in the room. i am walking towards you. feeding space with recognition. holding heat in my hands. i know how to love an infinite space. a wonder of such beauty, placed in front of me. given to me. forgiven. and free.

engagement.

time and space. as it settles on my skin...liquid and airid. belonging and secretive. i house regret no more. my brow released...my senses overwhelmed, with the most beautiful joy i have know. until now i steped through darkness with eyes open, sleeping with demons, dancing with shadow and coming through, somewhat unscathed. i have stories to share with you. of my own demise. of the sounds the sea has made [the battle in her head]. i offer you this. one piece. one golden strand. and stand steady. ready...for faith. for blood. for your hand.

[decision]

precious. and perfect. decidedly undiluted. walking...sandstone wearing...waving redwoods...raving. such beauty in truth and decision. such confidence in solitude and isolation. i crave nothing. knowing the self in decidedly unmovable terms. both of my hands are empty. smiling. full mouth and heart no longer wavering. i wholly embrace the taste of this. decision. to move. softly stepping. again and again and again. with nothing and no one. and ev-er-y space inside of me. a light.

[worthy]

i want space to come over me. step inside the cells where walls meet. when you arrive...i sense the world stashing air around me. causing life and love to fall through my skin...forcing breath and extracting nonsense. there are no words to call forth execution. you are a wonder of this world. a cave for craving. a man worth surviving.

diety.

your face. a slight deity. bound before me. your limbs. watching in silence and tearing at me. wavering slightly so that i might see. whispering softly so that i might know. every reason. every acceptance...and lust and love that could cover us. every memory that ever has been and is being created in this moment. now and for each step. i take. towards you. i am not standing in silence anymore. i am awake and perspiring. exhilarated. and patient. amazed. at the beauty and futility. of Love.

my feet step softly.

there's a reason that beauty does not lie. that truth holds all secrets ransom. that my face seeks redemption in yours. there's a reason that guides me, steady and unwavering towards this place. where answers speek freely. where beauty, truth, and love are the only reality.

[gift]

stand. encased. enraptured. lost language resurfaced. he pulls the face of fate apart before my eyes. i wear callous remarks no more. honoring the deafening language that calls forth angels and demons together, at once, in such space as this. where golden threads appear, long entwined, ever apparent. you are the call. you are the space without waiting, the energy of moon and jupiter, the ring forgiving all reproach. there has never been such vision as this. where words call colors and memories and skin, drawn together without touch. i know not what this speaks of. but i remember everything. and i know that excellence, past and present, is now a gift to give. in you. through you. with you. and of you.

[untitled]

please remember. that lust is not a virtue. that obscenity is a cause for retraction. that inspiration is a song and a touch and a moment free of time and space. let there be fortune. and light. a signal. some sense of rationale.

i love. and what of it? what fears have been faced to come into this place...

i cannot carve any more secrets into my skin. the words of your dream, placed on my palm, will remain. i can see again. i can sing again. and with that. i will begin again. i am free again...to place such hope and want and need in a single thread. and dance until it's tied between, this space where we meet.

xokg.

lost.

i have lost all lines of communication. misplaced teeth and tears over this. held my own hand and rushed forward accepting fate and fear and synchronistic wanting. but such silence blinds me. there is no mastery of wordless lust! or even you, near. i have lost everything. everything this time. and though the words tie hard knots around me, faltering and caressing. i know. [i know that he is gone.]

razors.

i feel sharp. sticky. obsolete.
airs and absence and comfort are lodged deep in my throat trying to get out. seeking space. hands and limbs and lips. they retrace fate and bring forth memories long buried. i thought i was stronger than this. i've grown to know more than i wish. so sitting softly on lily pad and sandalwood, i carve secrets into my skin. singing, for faith or freedom. listening for eruption or just, a moment within.

prayer [true taste]

prayer. for peaceful remembrance.
for forgiveness
for sins and lust and regret
for every moment I wait for you
for every second you wish it could go on
without a word of undue persuasion.
I am not without fault
I crave what does not belong to me
I am not without fear
I taste what is offered no more
but I believe
and trust
the pain and truth of lust
and remember
to hold
and embrace
the true taste
of love that’s to come

forgotten.

it’s tearing at my limbs. shooting ‘cross my belly. obscene. wicked. truthful.
obsession dies a faulty death only to rear up night after night. again. slight worry. remembrance of broken heart, wet limbs and absence. but the heart knows no limits. the hearts seeks only truth and with it, late night phone calls, dreams or words of sex and rebirth. if only there were answers. but questions, more, keep coming. and I have no response. I have heady words and eager hands and silence…
I can calm anger. I can live in love. I can claim beauty and death at once. I can stand still in this. I can engage chaos. I can be the answer, loose tongue and a wager on how long till this is all forgotten.

love. [i forget]

it's almost 930. i'm in nyc. sitting on a balcony. alone. finally. for one of the few moments i get these days. which i cherish more and more. the sun is gone but the sky still holds onto blue. it's not even hot and it's july 2nd. some miracle. some beauty. my mind mumblings are of love. of relationship. of the unspoken contracts we make to each other. conscious. unconscious. before arriving here even. the commitment we make. to communication. to understanding. to seeing. to knowing. to holding. to respecting. to knowing what we are and what we need. so that we know what to ask for. so that we know what we can receive. so that we can embrace and willingly give that which we are confident to offer. so that we can carve out space such as this to reflect and replenish and honor our solitude when needed. when it is asked of us.

delusions. of rules and regulations. forgetting that a relationship brings flexible boundaries made to be pushed and expanded so that we can grow. i forget. i set up fences and close doors. loosing the keys and forgetting combinations. i unhinge doors to keep myself occupied, in attendance to all i'm being shown. the dance of faith and lust and love. of friendship, of long forgotten lovers, of souls, mating, underestimating and recuperating. i forget that language cannot solve issues of the heart. that emotions cannot be persuaded except through simple song or long bouts of silence with both beauties present.
happiness. growth. the knowingness of another. the understanding of the chaos that makes their world exist. the holding of their hand. the weight of their breath. the slight release. the full birth. of love.

the special relationship

somewhere between assassins, glaciers and airplanes there is a space. i can't call it love. and i won't call it lust. i won't even name it. but i will explain it. a situation so delicate. so tenuous. so filled with adoration and slight obsession. with questions and exclamation points and..................... lots of ...........'s. sometimes grief. she carries in a splash of apathy and rewards patience with understanding. sometimes no words can come. sometimes too many are uttered. sometimes all that is needed is a hug, a head on the shoulder or a look in a bar with a handful of strangers watching to acknowledge what is felt. to be reflected back again and again and again...all that cannot be spoken. all that is unknown. but felt. deeply. in the heart. on the skin. in fingers and in photographs. in words and through song. there are days one wants to walk away. there are days i want to run. catch the first plane out of new york city. and fly to you. but i would not know how to sit still for so long. or what of me you would take when i arrive. when the offering is everything. so i walk in circles. standing in dreams and changing my reality with long deep breaths and calm seeing. you are not me. there is no destiny. there is longing. and deep stirring. and lessons burrowing inside of me. transforming. rearranging. adjusting. still i cannot and do not and will not expect any little thing from this. from you. but i sit. and watch. in silence. offering up to you the simple space of my heart and the emotions therein that lay bare. for fear of the unknown is no longer an emotion i can live with. what words must speak have spoken. what wait has abated now brings fortune. and new songs bear singing.

the sun.

please face the sun
but do not melt me
turn inside out
let something form
fateless
free
and place yourself
in my hand
let me touch the mystery
let it unravel me
tasteless
without resolution
i can deal
with another break
another happenstance
but it must be now
done
spaced between my fingers
touching my feet
wrapped up in my hair
i cannot be alone again
i cannot face the sun.

the desert.

i have not the heart to tell you anymore. the words won’t sit long enough on my tongue to come through. the space in my heart where cells used to inhabit cannot be filled. but they are felt. by one woman. in san diego. she melts me. she steps slowly. one step. two. and I can no longer leap. i am bound to this. emotion. solitude. futility. anxiously beating. beauty. warmth. incessant questioning. incessant longing. forgiveness. and anxiousness. perfection. and direction. there are no more cliffs in sight. just an empty dessert. and plenty of room to dance.

let it be

let there be sand on my skin. memory erased. equality measured. songs returning from skin. lust overlooked. forgiveness said but not received. you can't take anything else from me. there must be a question. but i only keep answering. repeating silences into empty head, plugged ears, glazed over eyes. and i know i lie. to myself. every day. that love would return. that love would be held. but i cannot speak. i cannot run. i cannot even move. i am too fucked up to remember anything. i am too far gone to believe in anything. and being alone is not an option. in that there is no truth. because you keep touching me. moving closer. closing in. and you forget to tell me. any little thing. and i forget your silence is really everything.

beauty is forever (i remember)

beauty is forever...but it doesn't make sense. the waiting. the knowing. the wanting. to sit in silence. to wake with understanding. to drink wine in acceptance. i remember the day i stood in hyde park wearing red patent leather heels. i remember not knowing how to look. i remember sitting on the steep hillside off macondray lane in san francisco. confused. embarrassed. decidedly suicidal. i remember the words that came and changed me. the voice that spoke such softness. such kindness. such warmth. the one that turned the tides. i remember aching. i remember sitting in uncontrollable emotion. writing songs i never thought i'd sing. that i sing now. i remember regret. and i remember how i let go and how i stand now. starting over. i remember how much i love nyc. and i remember how i got here. all the long forceful meandering steps it took for me to arrive. and go back and forth and come back again. i remember the ocean. i remember your skin. i remember his face. i remember blacking out. again. and again. and again. i remember the hurt. i remember the world dissolved when you touched my hand. i remember moving. i remember the fight. with myself. with my art. with the heart. with the unknown demons i still speak with. i remember forgetting. for moments at a time. exploring new limbs. i remember. they were not you. i remember the music that saved me. the wind on the hill where i sat smoking. where i sat typing. to an unknown face. where i sat crying to an unknown god in an unknown place in a space i wanted to escape. i remember. the way i moved. the way i grew. i remember you. i remember.

standing.

standing
as if moving sideways
was a virtue
as if silence could cause thought
to disappear
as if love
could catch itself
or tear us apart again
as if distance
was enough
to make all instances
forget
what this means.
he says leap.
he says leap.
he says leap.
and then
he steps aside.

god

i'm tired of crying over false gods. and infinite pretext. of satiated thoughts and love that comes in waves only to crash into me and push me back. falling into myself. where no one can see. where only one witness can collapse. and his door has closed. and i come running. feet first. laughing. disturbing the peace. waiting for no thing and asking for grievances to repent again and again and again. because i can see. because the wolves have come. because he sits silent and asks for forgiveness that only i can give. and so i take from myself. and i pass it along. and i wait. and i wait. and i wait. and i love. and it might not ever come. but i love. and i love. and i love.

A Druid Princess and the Madness of Flight

Energy
I am a path of
Righteousness
Limbs breaking in terror
To the sound my mouth makes
In silent personification
Of your sufferings.
I am saintly
A master
In your face I am e g o
To your body I am P o w e r
Harnessed and unyielding for I am
A child raised with fear
Nodding off in silent habitation
Pissing on every corner
For the joy of freedom
No longer masked by unmarked
Graves.
I am the druidic priestess
Calm and angered by your limbs
Which pull on me
Strange and human…holy
And unbounded.
Wake me no more from
this present reality
Shifting,
Silent-
No more

Many days I was, raised in fear, as if the wolves might come to me again. And what if I remember? Who would believe my cries then? Where would I hide the snakes that speak to me if my father should ask of the voices? I am not distanced from my loves, I am only aware of my self in a state of consciousness that runs through my veins, caustic and rampant…I am alive and the color of my blood sheds this truth to me with the dawning of each new moon.

Breathe with me here in this moment.
Be with me here.

Time is the irrelevant spark of the soul that traverses space and imagination, connecting us all to the will of the divine: cosmic consciousness bears no grudge against her…time lingers and joins hands with many a race and word and deed…too numerous to count. Why would I even want to? I am not that voice. I am weary, tired my mouth is from screaming empty shades of nothing into the voided atmosphere of tempered fear…this was the way of my family, this is not the way of my heart. Screams of anger rise short and fall…chest heaving, I am silent again, my eyes expressive and ever changing. I am water. My body, breeding, is made of fire-the dualistic miracle of which I am now just coming upon.

My hands sometimes shake, not with warmth or glamour but vibrations that prick and tingle, remaining for many moments, holding my fixated interest-pinning my eyes with divine discovery.

I can heal. This is my message.
I am you. This is my truth.

Together I am with many kin, walking and waking…sharing in my breath secrets, time, age and flustered reality. Tell me, which of what I choose is real? Which slice of vision is perfection? I can sit for hours but the room melts and I find that air spins beyond my control; all I have left to do is continue breathing, to gain the rights back into my body. I am human now, this time…feelings of warmth mingle with the swords which bring cold fires into my chest…haunting my heart and unnamed memories. It is through all of this that I communicate.

Through this fear…
I am Fear.
Through this pain…
I am Pain.
I am unbearable…unending Joy.
This life I am…beauty.
I am man, sex, sage, fuel, fire…
fantastical illusion of life I am…
burning all of life for you.

I am your muse.

Fear not the freedom of being… a C r e a t o r.

[12.20.01]

all that is sought

I want truth
to abandon me
so that sin cannot feel
nor find a home
nor blink its eyes
in regret

that fear has caught
another hope
and witnessed such frank
denial
despite whisperings
offerings
defenses
I cannot comment
I cannot stand
to look
his eyes
see too much.

so stand still
straight back
look ahead
erase all thought and
travel strong
this trailing train
of all that is sought.

walking.wishing. creating.

sun comes
shooting past me
lips terse
breath catching
what of mystery?
there is no one left
to break
or catch
or lean on
so feel less
or release
let faith fly
let the world
open
caress
and dare not regress
past present presence
we forget nothing
we dream only waking
walking
wishing
and
creating.